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The Viscious Bunny

from Monte Python's 'The Holy Grail'
MUCH REVISED!!

PAN:
To the north there lies a cave-- the cave of Caerbannog-- wherein,
carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of
Olfin Bedwere of Rheged...
...make plain the last resting place of the most colored of eggs.
Some person:
Where could we find this cave, O Pan?
PAN:
Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance to
this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet
has
fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its
lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength,
come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy
teeth.
Some person:
What an eclectic performance! ... May the Goddesses and Gods be most
impressed and honored by the wit and humor of this drama!

--- new scene ---

viscious bunny part 2

[clop clop clop]
[whinny whinny]
GALAHAD:
They're nervous, sire.
ARTHUR:
Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount!
PAN:
Behold the cave of Caerbannog!
ARTHUR:
Right! Keep me covered.
GALAHAD:
What with?
ARTHUR:
W-- just keep me covered.
PAN:
Too late!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR:
What?
PAN:
There he is!
ARTHUR:
Where?
PAN:
There!
ARTHUR:
What, behind the rabbit?
PAN:
It is the rabbit.
ARTHUR:
You silly sod!
PAN:
What?
ARTHUR:
You got us all worked up!
PAN:
Well, that's no ordinary rabbit!
ARTHUR:
Ohh.
PAN:
That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes
on!
ROBIN:
You tit! I soiled my armour I was so scared!
PAN:
Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
GALAHAD:
Get stuffed!
PAN:
He'll do you up a treat, mate.
GALAHAD:
Oh, yeah?
ROBIN:
You mangy Scots git!
PAN:
I'm warning you!
ROBIN:
What's he do, nibble your bum?
PAN:
He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!
ARTHUR:
Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
BORS:
Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!
PAN:
Look!
[squeak]
BORS:
Aaaugh!
[dramatic chord]
[clunk]
ARTHUR:
Jesus Christ!
PAN:
I warned you!
ROBIN:
I done it again!
PAN:
I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't
you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always
the same. I always tell them--
ARTHUR:
Oh, shut up!
TIM:
Do they listen to me?
ARTHUR:
Right!
PAN:
Oh, no...
KNIGHTS:
Charge!
[squeak squeak squeak]
KNIGHTS:
Aaaaugh!, Aaaugh!, etc.
ARTHUR:
Run away! Run away!
KNIGHTS:
Run away! Run away!...
PAN:
Ha ha ha ha! Ha haw haw! Ha! Ha ha!
ARTHUR:
Right. How many did we lose?
LAUNCELOT:
Gawain.
GALAHAD:
Ector.
ARTHUR:
And Bors. That's five.
GALAHAD:
Three, sir.
ARTHUR:
Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault. That
rabbit's dynamite.
ROBIN:
Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?
ARTHUR:
Oh, shut up and go and change your armour.
GALAHAD:
Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.
ARTHUR:
Like what?
GALAHAD:
Well... ooh.
LAUNCELOT:
Have we got bows?
ARTHUR:
No.
LAUNCELOT:
We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
ARTHUR:
Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the
sacred
relics Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother Maynard! Bring up the
Holy Hand Grenade!
MONKS: [chanting]
Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
ARTHUR:
How does it, um-- how does it work?
LAUNCELOT:
I know not, my liege.
ARTHUR:
Consult the Book of Armaments!
BROTHER MAYNARD:
Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one.
SECOND BROTHER:
And Lady Athena raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lady and Lord,
bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine
enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.' And the Lady and Lord did both grin, and
the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and
orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu--
MAYNARD:
Skip a bit, Brother.
SECOND BROTHER:
And the Lady Athena spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin.
Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the
number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three.
Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that
thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three,
being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand
Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight,
shall snuff it.'
MAYNARD:
Amen.
KNIGHTS:
Amen.
ARTHUR:
Right! One!... Two!... Five!
GALAHAD:
Three, sir!
ARTHUR:
Three!
[angels sing]
[boom]

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This page last editted on: 04/04/2000