Twinkie Paganism
I have also discovered that many Twinkies share
the following attributes:
Twinkies drive me nuts. When you're having a
heated discussion about a point with another
Pagan/Wiccan/Magician, the person who walks up
with a sappy smile and tells you "You really
shouldn't argue. It's not good for your karma."
is probably a Twinkie. The person who has to make everyone take seven deep breaths and blow out
negativity before you can all go bowling is
probably a Twinkie, too.
There are two distinct types of TwinkiePagans,
I've found. One is the Permanent Twinkie - the person who, no matter how old they get or how long they spend in the larger Pagan community,
retain their Twinkieness. The other type is the
Transitory Twinkie - the person who is
going through a stage in their spiritual development that causes them to act like a complete twit. Er, Twinkie. Same difference. Both are annoying, but the Transitory Twinkies less so. Given a few months, a few more advanced or less "white-light" texts, and some exposure to the amazing variety of belief systems and practices in the community, they leave Twinkiehood behind and become people
you can have a conversation with. The Permanent
Twinkies, no matter how many books they read,
festivals they attend, or differing belief
systems they run in to, stubbornly cling to
Twinkiehood with a tenacity that would be
admirable if it weren't so annoying.
So.....you're at a gathering, party, or festival, and you suddenly realize that the person you're
talking to is a Twinkie. What to do? First,
attempt to ascertain whether this person is a
Transitory or Permanent Twinkie. If the person is new to Paganism, has read three books on the
subject (usually Cunningham, RavenWolf, and maybe Cabot), Is dripping with pentagrams, and talking
loudly about how they're the reincarnation of
someone who was burned as a witch in Salem, odds
are they're probably a Transitory. Suggest some
additional reading material. You might even lend
them a book or two. If you like them, despite
their Twinkie tendencies, give them your phone
number or invite them to a ritual. Try to help
them get past this initial stage - as unpleasant
as it is for the rest of us to deal with,
Transitory Twinkies are very often lovely people
who just need some socialization and friendly,
intelligent conversation. If you can't stand to
talk to them for another minute, and would rather have a root canal than continue the discussion,
remember that the actions I've suggested are in
no way compulsory - you always have the option to suddenly remember you have a pressing appointment with your doctor/dentist/priestess/etc.
Permanent Twinkies are easy to spot. If they've
been involved in The Pagan/Wiccan/occult
community for over five years and still act like
a Twinkie, they're Permanents. I have no idea
what makes a person permanently stuck in this
stage.....it could be an inborn trait. How to
deal with them? Well.....my suggestion is to be
careful of what you say to them (they take
everything very seriously) and slither away at
the earliest possible opportunity. Of course, if
you're the masochistic type, you can always
engage them in a discussion about magickal ethics and see what happens. Personally, I duck out of
conversations with Permanent Twinkies at record
speed, and have been known to actually hide in a
bathroom until the person in question has left or is engaged in another discussion.
There seem to be more Twinkies than there used to be. It could be that I'm just getting crankier
and less tolerant of other people's faults as I
get older (a distinct possibility), but I really
think that there are more Twinkies out there. I'm not really sure why. I'm sure part of it has to
do with the increased availability of books and
other material on Paganism and Wicca - a seeker
does not have to work very hard to discover
alternative religions. Unfortunately, the
material that is carried in a Barnes and Noble,
Borders, or Amazon.com may not be of the highest
quality, and contain more "newage" (rhymes with
"sewage") philosophy than Pagan. I also blame
that stupid movie "The Craft" for alerting young
adults that they can look funny, intimidate their
classmates, and annoy their parents with a
brand-new religious fervor. Whatever. The fact of
the matter is, it's no fun to deal with Twinkies
and (I'd imagine) even less fun to be one. Try to
prevent Twinkieness in your local community by
vigilance and intervention. The Pagan community
will thank you for it.
-
-Not in possession of anything even remotely
resembling a sense of humor.
-Very unlikely to have read anything other than the most basic of primers on Wicca or Paganism (usually Cunningham and RavenWolf).
-Forever offering uninformed
opinions on matters they have no knowledge of.
-Threatened by any theology that does not
completely agree with theirs in matters of faith
and/or practice.
-The ability to dominate any conversation with
tales of their own immense psychic powers.
-The conviction that they are under attack by
some sort of psychic vampire or black coven.
-The ability to believe that they are completely
non-judgmental while passing judgment on
everything from theology to jewlery.
-A fanatical devotion to a particular author
(usually Cunningham), and a complete disregard
for any other authors or points of view.
-A tendency to complain constantly about the lack of activity in the community, combined with
non-attendance at planning meetings.
-A conviction that if they believe in something,
the entire Pagan community must believe it too.
And if someone doesn't believe exactly the same
thing, they're not Real Pagans(tm).
-The belief that everything happens for the best, coupled with the determination to share that
belief with anyone who has recently suffered some sort of loss or difficulty.
-An extreme lack of common sense.